Be The Adult
in Thoughtful Thursdays on October 7, 2016
I’m not sure why the topic of divorce has been on my mind so much lately. Relax, the Man of my Dreams and I are doing just fine! In fact, today is birthday!
Happy Birthday, Sweetie!
Perhaps it is the goodness of our relationship that has me thinking about the countless other relationships out there that are struggling. It is no secret that both my husband and I came from divorced homes. Growing up with homes divided affected the two of us in very different ways. Jeff is a very well-adjusted man, while I am usually a flaming hot mess on roller skates.
I make no pretenses to speak on behalf of my husband, but I can tell you that his childhood was spent flying back and forth between his mother and father, two people who loved him very much. To this day, when they are both in the same room together, there are no angry words, no disgusted looks, no palatable tension. Why? They are both adults.
Mine is a different story . . . a completely different story.
My parents divorced when I was two. I have only a handful memories of my father coming to visit me. His visits were few and far between. He would call me on my birthday (September) and on Christmas Day (December); the rest of the year was radio silence. His visits lasted for two to three hours, and then he would be gone.
My mother, who, make no mistake, loves me very much, tried to reassure me that his absence was not my fault. It was simply a character flaw in him. However, I took the rejection extremely personally. I have carried that into my adult life.
Why am I telling all of you this?
Most of us will be touched by divorce in some way, shape, or form. We all know someone who has been divorced, is currently going through one, or is a product of divorce. The most common phrase I hear from people is “The children will be better off if we don’t live together anymore.”
Really?
In some cases that is true. Let me ask you this: Can you both behave like adults?
Can you both understand that the issues you have with your spouse have nothing to do with your children? Therefore, withholding your children from the other parent ONLY hurts the child. OR try this on for size: IF you stay away because you are mad at your ex, what message does that send to your child? She thinks it is HER fault.
Kids hear EVERYTHING. They SEE everything. Fighting about child support, new spouses, time spent with the kids—they are taking all of this in. And they are storing into their long-term memory. The behavior they witness between their parents is exactly how they think adults are supposed to act. This cycle is extremely difficult to break. Take a long, hard look in the mirror. Is this really the legacy you want to leave for your children?
Somebody has to be the adult. Somebody has to take the first step.
It won’t be easy. In fact, it might be absolute torture. But your actions really do have the power to affect generations. Let it be a healthy legacy.
Here’s hoping today is a good day!
Dallas
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